"Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere." - George Burns

"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx


A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

All men are idiots And I married their king.

don't know what makes you dumb But it really works.

Oh crap! You're going to try and cheer me up, aren't you?