-"There Are Three Kinds of People - Those Who Can Count and Those Who Can't"
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-"If you can't fix it with duck tape you haven't used enough."

-"Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic." - Dan Rather.

-"Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants." - Geraldo Rivera.

-"Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?" - Will Rogers.

-"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner." - Roseanne

-"Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason" - Jerry Seinfeld

-You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

-A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

-If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

-Attempt to get a new car for your spouse -- it'll be a great trade!

-Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

-Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

-I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

-OK, so what's the speed of dark?

-Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.