Sit on your ego.

Eat my shorts. - Bart Simpson

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat. - Jim Davis


I just thought of something funny...your mother. - Cheech Marin

No one likes a smartass

Rain on your wedding day is NOT ironic unless you're made of sugar.

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

I can resist everything except temptation.

Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years

A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

When you're eight years old nothing is your business.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

When in doubt, do nothing.

It's not cheating unless you get caught.

Being stupid is its own reward

You can't be late until you show up.