-I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. W. C. Fields

-When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. Henny Youngman

-I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they're going to feel all day. Dean Martin

-I saw a notice that said "Drink Canada Dry" and I've just started. Brendan Behan

-"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." -- Jeff Foxworthy

-To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

-Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.

-I am being sober in moderation…

-To alcohol, the cause and solution to all of life's problems. ~ Homer Simpson

-“Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.”

-Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut - Ernest Hemmingway

-There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

-I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't. Patrick Murray

-Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control. Diana Jordan

-If I'm drinking, please put away any camera's, picture phones, video equipment, or other recording devices.

-Avoid hangovers....stay drunk.

-I believe in spirits...whiskey, bourbon and scotch.

-I swear to Drunk, I'm not God!

-You are not drunk, I really look this good.

-If at first you don't succeed, buy me a drink.