Jewish Words, Phrases and Quotes
Funny Sayings
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Jewish Phrases for any occasion
These sayings are not all exact quotes nor can we verify who actually coined each of them. Use these sayings for entertainment purposes only. Copyrighted sayings will be removed upon written request from the rightful owner.

-Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. - Henny Youngman

-Adam bit off more than he could chew.

-When life isn't the way you like it, like it the way it is.

-If they give you--take; if they take from you--yell!

-Don't spit into the well--you might drink from it later.

-Do not worry about tomorrow, because you do not even know what may happen to you today.

-If you spit upwards, you're bound to get it back in the face.

-You can't dance at two weddings at the same time; nor can you sit on two horses with one behind.

-Had you gotten up early, you wouldn't have needed to stay up late.

-One who has the reputation of an early riser may safely lie in bed until noon.

-For dying, you always have time.

-God, I know we are your chosen people, but couldn't you choose somebody else for a change? Shalom Aleichem

-Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil! Golda Meir

-"God couldn't be everywhere, so he created mothers."

-Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call. - Richard Lewis

-God, I know we are your chosen people, but couldn't you choose somebody else for a change? - Shalom Aleichem

-I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.- Joe E. Lewis

-Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair. - George Burns

-Her lips near my ear, Aunt Sadie whispers the name of her friend's disease.

-Today I am a man. Tomorrow I will return to the seventh grade.

-Harsh Scrabble discord-- someone has placed "putzhead" on a triple word score.

-Yom Kippur-- Forgive me, Lord, for the Mercedes and all that lobster.

-Jewish triathlon: gin rummy, then contract bridge, followed by a nap.

-Mom, please! There is no need to put that dinner roll in your pocketbook.

-Sorry I'm not home to take your call. At the tone please state your bad news

-Left the door open for the Prophet Elijah. Now our cat is gone.

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125 x 125

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