-"Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys." - PJ O’Rourke

-If you think nobody cares you're alive, try not filing your taxes.

-We're all entitled to our own opinions. So, in my opinion, your opinion sucks.

-If Tylenol, duct tape, or a band-aid can't fix it, you've got a serious problem.

-My dad asked me if I ate a bowl of Stupid-O's for breakfast this morning.

-I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

-You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

-I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck. - George Carlin

-If you can’t convince them, confuse them. - Harry S. Truman

-Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

-Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

-What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?

-Men are like slinkies. They bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.

-Life is like a pack of gum... I've yet to figure out why.

-You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.- George Carlin